Too Many Inputs

Plus, some "just for fun" selections

Hey, friend. It’s been…a bit. In fact, there’s about a 15% chance that you’ve never even received an email (or push notification, as I guess the kids are doing these days) from me. Yet someway, somehow, you’re here—waiting to hear from me, even if you don’t know it yet.

A lot has happened since we last talked, as tends to be the case after six months of silence, and I don’t really know where or how to begin. I’m going to have to write my way into this one; bear with me.

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I got a new car a few weeks ago. The car itself doesn’t matter, other than to say I needed something big enough to hold all my people (who never seem to stop growing) and all their things, and drive us to places like Niagara Falls and Western Pennsylvania without my children fusing into one big kid-ball in the cramped back seat.

Last time I bought a car, I declined a feature we call “the beepy-beepies”: the 360-degree camera that lets you know where your car is in space. The backup cam was all I really cared about, and I wasn’t interested in spending thousands on the next-up package to get something I didn’t think I’d use. That is, until I misjudged the clearance and drove into the side of the garage.

After several bouts with the garage, and one with an unfortunately placed bike rack, I decided not to forego the beepy-beepies this time around. The new car is loaded with sensors and cameras and alarms that warn me both visually and auditorily every time something (or someone) comes within ten feet of the car.

Now, every time I put my car in reverse—and for what feels like an excessively long time after I put it in drive—I can see everything.

It’s too much.

I don’t know if I’m coming or going, and the sheer amount of input is enough to make me freeze, even when every single frame is empty. The beeps take me out of driving focus mode and into threat response mode, and it takes so long for me to figure out what’s causing the beep that my only choice is to slam on the brakes while I figure things out.

…

People always tell me, “I don’t know how you do it.” Whether it’s how my husband and I had to make every single thing our child ate from scratch for the first seven years of her life, or that I seem to be everywhere at once, or the way I take on jobs or tasks from all different realms (teaching, writing, running a news business??), I seemed to have an unlimited reserve of capacity.

Until I didn’t.

It was a good run, but somewhere around the time my uterus decided to revolt, it started to become obvious that my life was made up of too many inputs. The kids, who are somehow able to simultaneously talk to me about middle school mean girls, Benson Boone, HopeScope, Iron Man, and their friend’s upcoming bat mitzvah. The electronic notifications, which accumulate unpredictably and fracture my attention throughout the day. The many, many acquaintances, most of whom know me well enough to start off conversations with, “I know you’re really busy, but…” The fact that I have three different jobs, any one of which could be full time and all of which exert demands on my brain and body. The news business I was trying to build into a sustainable career. And then, the fact that I was bleeding to death.

It was all too much.

Everyday things started seeming like too much. At some points even a song or a new smell was enough to make me want to explode.

One by one, I started shutting things off. Nicci’s Notes, the one I love the most (Shh! Don’t tell the others!), was the first to go. I had built a habit out of connecting with you twice a week. I loved what I was doing, and I was feeling confident and like a member of a community. But I just didn’t have the brain space or time to put my ideas together for something that felt like working for free with no real path toward a viable business model.

In the last six months, my phone has been in a perpetual state of Do Not Disturb. I have been saying no to projects. I have hired people to take some of the day-to-day operations of the news business off my shoulders so I can focus on the big-picture things that will grow the publication into something that can support me sustainably and serve my community even better. Recently, I put a 15-minute daily cap on email and social media on my phone. Also, I got rid of my uterus. (Much more on that, much later.)

I’m clearing out the inputs.

And as I’ve done that, I’ve found that my creative mind is yelling to come out. One of my oldest stories, the first book I attempted to write, has been calling to me for months. Snippets of ideas and articles keep flashing through my mind. Things I want to tell you, loyal reader of Nicci’s Notes, because I think you’ll find them interesting, or useful, or entertaining or fun.

There’s still no time. I’ve squirreled away the thoughts that make up this Note for weeks—maybe months—stealing them in quiet moments and tucking them safely into the folds of my brain. I blocked out three hours of writing time on my calendar today, but I know I can’t take all of it because there’s so much waiting for me on the other side.

But the fact that I can even find these quiet moments is a change for the better. I’ll be back one day soon. Until then, in a twist of irony which I fully acknowledge, enjoy these fun entertainment recommendations that have given me a smile this week.

Music

Strip No More by Lukas Graham

50 Ways to Say Goodbye by Train

Love Shack by the B-52s

Finest Hour by Gavin DeGraw

Dial Drunk by Noah Kahan

Movies

The Fall Guy with Ryan Gosling, Emily Blunt, and some other familiar faces. Other than the fact that Ryan Gosling seems to play the same dude in every movie, I really loved this funny meta take on stunt people and movie production.

IF featuring Ryan Reynolds, Cailey Fleming, Steve Carrell, and many more very famous people. This one was OK. I don’t think I’ve missed anything from Ryan Reynolds since Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place (there’s a story I’m not remembering about the title of this show), but it was kind of mid. But—my youngest sat for the entire movie, which is a first. And the ending (after the credits) gave me a chuckle.

TV

Clarkson’s Farm featuring Jeremy Clarkson, who I know from the BBC’s Top Gear. I loved Clarkson on Top Gear and I love him here, as he tries to make a sustainable business out of a thousand-acre farm in Oxfordshire, England. Equal parts irreverent and heartwarming, I watched the most recent season and may one day go back to the beginning.

The Great British Baking Show. Yes, I know, Bake-Off is old news. But it’s new to me, and I’ve watched something like five seasons since we last talked. It’s just so wholesome, and I love it.

That’s all for today, but I am going to try out the idea of blocking out quiet time and writing time in my calendar over the next few months and see how it goes.

Thanks for being here. See you soon!

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If you’re a paying supporter, I totally understand if you take this moment to cut and run. I am writing, and thinking about writing, every single day. But the future of Nicci’s Notes is still in flux, and I wouldn’t blame you at all if you decided not to support it financially anymore. If you do decide to stick around, THANK YOU!