(This Is Not A Story About) Murphy's Law

But the universe may or may not be challenging me to a duel

Okay, this is not a great picture. But anytime I look up from working at my desk to see a deer in my backyard, I am going to take a picture and share it with you. Of course, #camouflage, so you can’t see it very well. But it’s there! Photo by author.

Hello!

I’ve been having a hard time deciding what to write to you this week. I have a lot of ideas in my drafts folder (which is where all the ideas go), but none of them was particularly speaking to me this week. Because, truth be told, my mind is elsewhere. It’s been the toughest week I’ve had in a long time, and my brain is busy trying to field the various curveballs that have been pelting me.

I’ve been much better this week at completing operational tasks that don’t require a lot of thought, like sending emails for work or testing out graphics and settings on my manuscript, than anything that requires more than a drop of creativity.

Honestly, it’s felt like one of those “anything that can go wrong, will go wrong” times. A friend actually told me, “The universe is seriously conspiring against you!” And it feels true. I thought about outlining all the craziness. But, while funny in an absurd kind of way, that wouldn’t be particularly entertaining, unless you enjoy a bit of schadenfreude. It’s not enlightening or exciting, either. So, instead, here is one of the things I’ve learned from the craziness.

Relationships Resist Change

I’ve talked with so many people around my age this week about friendships or relationships that were great, and then just…weren’t. Like a boring middle-aged episode of the Twilight Zone, everywhere I went, it seemed I was being dropped into the same conversation.

I would have thought it was a unique problem, if I hadn’t seen the same situation repeat itself more times in a week than I can count on my fingers. From a friend who moved away and drifted apart to an accidental entrepreneur whose relationship didn’t survive the shift in focus, it always went the same way:

One person changed, and the other person wanted things to be the way they were before.

It might be personal growth, professional development, distance, or something else entirely, but relationships have a hard time surviving change—especially when there’s only one person doing the changing. As we grow older and our life situations shift, what we need out of our relationships shifts as well, and things start to look different.

From the other side, when we see the thing we’ve taken comfort in for years—sometimes decades—take a shape we don’t recognize, we respond by feeling hurt, confused, angry, and resentful. Because the thing we’ve come to love and rely upon has grown into something we no longer recognize, and we’re not ready to accept it.

But what choice do we have?

Rail against the change. Make an effort to change along with our friend/partner/person. Accept the new normal.

Or let it go.

Only you know what’s right for you, but I submit that fighting for something that no longer exists will only cause pain for you and possibly those around you.

Also, therapy helps.

What’s Exciting Me?

The GoodReads giveaway is live and already has more than 1,800 entries. If you’re in the US, enter today if you haven’t already, and if you win, I will send you a signed paperback copy of When We Were Mothers! Don’t forget to share with your people who enjoy this kind of thing!

Things with the book are otherwise stalled. Not in a bad way, just in an I’m-figuring-some-things-out-and-waiting-on-other-people way. But release day is in just over a month, and I’m sooooo excited!

What’s Entertaining Me?

We watched Burn After Reading last weekend for the first time since it came out, and OMGoodness it was hilarious. There are plenty of things to critique about the film, but there were so many funny moments and Brad Pitt’s character was so far outside his typical role that the whole thing was worth it just to watch him be an idiot meathead. It was also just a hilarious reminder that sometimes shit just happens and there’s no deeper reason. Also, the last two minutes had me laughing so hard the tears ran freely down to my lap.

I’ve also been listening to some tracks from Maclemore’s The Heist album—Wing$, which is about Nike and the cold, capitalist empire they built around Air Jordans and on the bodies of Black folks, and Jimmy Iovine, which is about the struggle to secure a traditional recording contract only to get an offer that put into stark relief how many other people get paid before an artist can benefit from their own work. Lots of parallels to the publishing industry, tbh.

What’s Enlightening Me?

I think that whole thing above about friendships and other relationships has been a real epiphany this week. In past years I’ve held a lot of resentment for friends whose priorities shifted—people for whom once I was out of sight, I also fell out of mind. I have a lot more grace to give today, and the ability to expand and contract, if it feels right and the relationship is important enough. And also the ability to let it go with no ill will if it’s just not working for both people anymore. No one says you can’t be sad or disappointed, but being angry and resentful won’t change the change, so I try not to waste my time there.

And, with that, I must go. I’m sorry this Note is a day late. I’m out of words, but I’ll tell you next week about the irony of that last sentence. Let me know, though. What about you? What do you do when a friendship or other relationship seems not to be working for both/all people involved?

Take care, and I’ll see you then,